Sexual Intimacy and Chronic Pain and Illness
Nate Brooks
A section on sexual intimacy and chronic pain and illness would interrupt the flow of this book; however, I think it’s an important enough topic to write a few extra words about at the end. God created us to delight in sex, and sex is one of the many joys that marriage affords.
Disruptions in a couple’s sex life can be challenging to such a degree that Paul calls it a potential avenue by which Satan may attack you (1 Cor. 7:5–6). Your spouse is the one human being with whom you may have a sexual relationship, but when chronic pain and illness occur your sexual preferences and patterns may be significantly impacted. This short appendix is in no way comprehensive or even thorough, but the following four thoughts and two next steps can help guide you and your spouse as you seek to navigate your new sexual normal.
Thought #1: As was mentioned elsewhere in this book, chronic pain and illness produce genuine suffering in your sex life with your spouse. Lament is a product of sorrow over loss, and you and your spouse are meant to lament your sexual losses. Take the time to name to God what you’ve lost, knowing that grief is a right and appropriate emotion.
Thought #2: The interruption to your sex life is a burden for your spouse as well. It may not seem like this at times. Sex may be far from their minds due to pain, but they would prefer to have a free and unhindered sex life with you. They may even feel guilty that their condition has led to sorrow and struggle for you.
Thought #3: Sex is a delight, but it is not a requirement for experiencing a full human life. Jesus did not have a sexual relationship, and many, many faithful Christians do not have sex lives due to singleness, widowhood, challenges with same-sex attraction, physical defects, and many other reasons. There’s a reason why Song of Songs reminds us, “Do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time” (Song 8:4). It’s challenging to have a sexual relationship and then put it on pause. However, God empowers you to say no to pornography, masturbation, fantasies, adultery, and other sexual sin.
Thought #4: Your role is to love your spouse well, and that means prioritizing their health over your sexual desires. If particular forms of sexual expression are painful for them, then don’t do those things. If the category of sexuality is too taxing or troubling for them right now, patiently love them without pressuring them or making them feel guilty. To paraphrase the apostle Paul, do not destroy your spouse for the sake of sex (Rom. 14:20).
Step #1: If your relationship is safe and you’re able to have open conversations about sex, work toward mutual understanding. It’s good to grieve together the loss of something delightful, and it’s also good to work together toward answering the question of what you are able to do together. You both are allies working alongside one another in love, patience, and kindness. Work together to identify what sexual actions you can do that express love and interest for each other. These should be pleasing to both of you, acceptable to your consciences, and honoring to God. Be patient with each other as you work to build a sex life that will look different from before. It will likely take time to figure out new patterns and approaches. Work together and think of it as a journey of discovery together.
Step #2: If this road of sexuality and chronic pain and illness is or remains confusing, consider meeting with a Christian counselor who is informed about trauma and chronic pain and who works with couples as they rebuild their sex lives. Such counselors can help you and your spouse communicate about sexuality better and creatively plan. If you’re hesitant to talk about such intimate topics with someone, I’d encourage you to think about it in the same category as going to the doctor to talk about problems with your physical body. Like a good doctor, a good counselor treats such an intimate topic with dignity.
This post is an excerpt from Disrupted Journey: Walking with Your Loved One Through Chronic Pain and Illness by Nate Brooks, published with permission from P&R Publishing.
Nate Brooks. Disrupted Journey: Walking with Your Loved One Through Chronic Pain and Illness. P&R Publishing, 2025.